It turns out, this isn't just good manners – it might be ancient wisdom!

The Sifrei Devarim, a collection of early Jewish legal interpretations on the Book of Deuteronomy, teaches us something profound about the art of giving rebuke, of offering tokhecha. And it's all about timing.

The text states plainly that Moses, no less, only rebuked the Israelites near his death. Why? Where did he learn such a practice? From none other than Jacob, our patriarch.

Remember the story in Genesis, Bereshith (49:1-3)? Jacob, on his deathbed, gathers his sons and then reveals things to them, including his rebuke of Reuben, his firstborn. "And Jacob called to his sons and said: Gather together and I will reveal to you what will happen to you in the end of days … Reuben, you are my first-born, etc."

According to the Sifrei Devarim, Jacob had a reason for his delay. He tells Reuben that he refrained from rebuking him for all those years out of concern. He feared that Reuben, if rebuked earlier, might have left him and sought solace with his uncle Esau. This is a powerful insight into the delicate balance between discipline and maintaining family bonds.

But the Sifrei Devarim doesn't stop there. It lays out four compelling reasons why delivering rebuke close to death – or, we might extrapolate, at the right, carefully chosen moment – is the wisest course of action:

First, to avoid rebuking someone repeatedly. Think about it: nagging rarely works, does it? Second, so that the person being rebuked isn't shamed repeatedly. Shame can be corrosive, damaging self-worth and hindering growth. Third, to prevent the rebuker from holding a grudge if the rebuke isn't immediately heeded. Holding onto anger and resentment benefits no one. And finally, to prevent the person being rebuked from leaving and seeking refuge elsewhere, fracturing the relationship.

These reasons offer a profound understanding of human nature and the delicate art of communication. It's not just about pointing out what's wrong; it's about doing so in a way that fosters growth, preserves dignity, and maintains relationships. This isn’t just about deathbeds; it’s about choosing our moments carefully, speaking with intention, and prioritizing connection above all else.

So, the next time you feel the urge to offer criticism or correction, maybe take a moment to consider Jacob and Moses's wisdom. Is this the right time? Will my words build up or tear down? Perhaps, sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is wait for the right moment, allowing our words to land with the greatest chance of healing and growth.