The rabbis of old grappled with this question, too. And they found answers woven into the very fabric of our sacred texts. Rabbi Abbahu, a fascinating figure from the 3rd century, opened the door to this discussion with a verse from Proverbs: "House and wealth are the inheritance of fathers, but a capable wife is from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:14).
Rabbi Pinḥas, quoting Rabbi Abbahu, then takes it a step further. He asserts that the idea that our matches are made by the Holy One, blessed be He, isn’t just a nice sentiment – it’s actually supported by the Torah, the Prophets, and the Writings! A bold claim, right? So, where do they find this idea?
Let's start with the Torah, the Five Books of Moses. They point to the story of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis. When Abraham’s servant orchestrates the meeting, Laban and Betuel, Rebekah's father and brother, exclaim, "The matter comes from the Lord" (Genesis 24:50). It's as if they recognize a divine hand at play in this destined union.
Then, in the Prophets, we see Samson’s story. His parents initially disapprove of his choice of a Philistine woman. But the text tells us: "His father and his mother did not know that it was from the Lord, for he was seeking an occasion against the Philistines" (Judges 14:4). Now, Samson's story is complex, and not exactly a fairytale romance, but even here, the rabbis find evidence of divine orchestration, albeit for larger, more mysterious purposes.
And finally, we arrive back in the Writings, to the very verse that started it all: "But a capable wife is from the Lord" (Proverbs 19:14). It's a powerful confirmation, tying together the entire sweep of Jewish scripture.
But the rabbis don't stop there. They delve into the how of it all. Are we passive recipients of our destined partners, or do we have to go out and find them?
They suggest that sometimes, our bashert comes to us, and sometimes we have to go to our bashert. Think about it: isn't that true in life? Sometimes love finds you when you least expect it. Other times, you have to be proactive, take a risk, and put yourself out there.
To illustrate this, they return to the stories of Isaac and Jacob. Isaac, famously, stayed put. And "Behold, he saw camels coming" (Genesis 24:63) – Rebekah, his destined partner, arrived on those camels. Jacob, on the other hand, "departed" (Genesis 28:10) – he went out into the world, traveling to find his match.
So, what does all this mean for us? Is it all predetermined? Are we just puppets on a string?
I don’t think so. What I hear in this teaching is a beautiful balance between divine providence and human agency. We're invited to trust that there's a guiding hand in our lives, especially when it comes to something as profound as finding a life partner. But we're also called to be active participants, to make choices, to take risks, and to embark on our own journeys, knowing that sometimes, the greatest blessings are found when we least expect them, or when we actively seek them out.
Maybe, just maybe, the secret lies in being open to both – to the possibility of divine intervention and to the power of our own choices. To knowing that we are both guided and free.