That feeling, that intense pressure, isn't new. Moses, the great leader of the Israelites, felt it too. And the Torah, in its unflinching honesty, doesn't shy away from showing us his moments of doubt and despair.
Our story comes from Sifrei Bamidbar, a collection of legal and ethical teachings related to the Book of Numbers (Bamidbar in Hebrew). It focuses on a particularly raw exchange between Moses and God, found in Numbers 11:11-15.
The Israelites are in the desert, complaining about their lack of meat. They're tired of manna, the miraculous food God provides, and they long for the "good old days" of Egypt. Moses, burdened with the responsibility of leading this constantly grumbling nation, turns to God in frustration.
He cries out, "Why have You done evil to Your servant?" (Numbers 11:11). It's a pretty bold question, isn't it?
He continues, "Did I conceive all this people? Did I beget them?" (Numbers 11:12). Moses is essentially saying, "Did I ask for this? Am I responsible for all of them?" He feels the immense weight of his leadership, amplified by the people's constant complaints. Sifrei Bamidbar connects this outburst to two previous instances where God seemed to place the entire burden on Moses's shoulders: first, when God tells him to lead the people after the Golden Calf incident (Exodus 32:34), implying the responsibility for their actions now rests solely on him; and second, when commissioning Moses and Aaron to deliver the Israelites from Egypt (Exodus 6:13), knowing full well their rebellious nature.
God had warned them, according to the text, that the Israelites were “recalcitrant and importunate.” He knew they would curse and even stone Moses and Aaron. The text asks, rhetorically: "Whence am I to take flesh (to give to all this people") — Are they only one or two (recalcitrants, etc.) that I can bear them? (The majority are of that kind!)". It's as though Moses is protesting that the task is impossible, the people too demanding.
The pressure intensifies. "I shall not be able to bear alone all this people," Moses declares (Numbers 11:14). And then comes the heartbreaking plea: "And if thus You will do to them, kill me, I pray You" (Numbers 11:15). Moses, the leader, the prophet, the one who spoke to God face to face, is so overwhelmed that he asks to die. It's a stark reminder that even the most righteous among us can reach their breaking point.
Sifrei Bamidbar illustrates this plea with a powerful analogy attributed to Rabbi Shimon. It's like a father being led to execution with his sons, begging the executioner to kill him first, so he doesn't have to witness their suffering. This echoes a tragic story from the Tanakh about Tzidkiyahu (Zedekiah), the last king of Judah, who was forced to watch his sons murdered before being blinded by the king of Bavel (Babylon). (Jeremiah 52:10-11). Moses is saying, "I would rather be killed first and not see the calamity that is to be brought upon them."
It's a powerful image, isn't it? A leader willing to sacrifice himself to spare his people from suffering, even the suffering they bring upon themselves.
Moses's plea isn't just about escaping personal pain. It's about protecting his heart from witnessing the downfall of the people he’s been tasked with leading. He's choosing compassion over endurance.
What does this ancient text tell us today? Perhaps it's a reminder to be compassionate, both to ourselves and to others. Leadership is hard. Life is hard. And sometimes, the most courageous thing we can do is admit that we can't do it alone. And maybe, just maybe, to ask for a little help, or a little mercy, along the way.