Jewish tradition has a lot to say on the subject, and some of the stories might surprise you.
Our jumping-off point is the verse in Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have circled this mountain enough; turn yourselves to the north.” But how does this relate to honoring parents? Well, in halakha, or Jewish law, this verse is used to illustrate the incredible reward for honoring one's father and mother. This mitzvah, this good deed, is one of those rare things that brings benefits in this world and ensures a place in the World to Come.
The text from Devarim Rabbah dives right in. It asks: what does honoring parents really entail? To answer, it brings us the story of Dama ben Netina, a non-Jew living in Ashkelon. Rabbi Abbahu tells us that the students of Rabbi Eliezer HaGadol used Dama as an example.
Dama's mother was, shall we say, eccentric. The text delicately puts it as "mentally disturbed." She would sometimes slap him, even in public! And his response? A gentle, "That is enough, mother." Can you imagine that kind of restraint?
But the story doesn't end there. On another occasion, some sages needed to purchase a precious gem, crucial for the priestly vestments used in the Temple. Dama had it, and they offered him a thousand gold pieces – a king's ransom! But Dama found his father asleep, with his leg resting on the chest containing the gem. He wouldn’t dare disturb his father's rest, even for such a huge sum. He let the sages leave empty-handed.
Thinking he was just trying to squeeze more money out of them, they upped the offer to ten thousand gold pieces! When his father finally woke up, Dama retrieved the gem. He refused to accept the inflated price, sticking to the original agreement of one thousand. He didn’t want to profit from the mitzvah of honoring his parents.
So, what was his reward? Our Rabbis tell us that during that very year, his cow gave birth to a red heifer, a rarity with immense ritual significance. He sold it for more than ten thousand gold pieces! A clear sign that the Holy One, blessed be He, repays those who honor their parents.
Now, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel chimes in with a fascinating comparison. He admits that despite his best efforts, Esau, yes, that Esau, actually honored his father Isaac more than he did.
He explains that he would serve his father wearing work clothes, and only change into finer garments when going to the marketplace. Esau, however, always wore his best clothes when attending to his father. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel realized that Esau's approach showed greater respect. As the Maharzu commentary says, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel served his father in soiled garments in order to indicate his willingness to act even as a servant in serving his father. But Esau would put on his finest clothes, as though he were going to meet a government officer.
This leads to a deeper dive into the story of Jacob and Esau. Remember when Rebecca helps Jacob deceive Isaac to get the blessing? Jacob is worried. "Mother," he says, "Esau is hairy, and I am smooth! What if my father feels me? I’ll be cursed, not blessed!" (Genesis 27:11-12).
Rebecca's solution? "I’ll dress you in Esau's best clothes, the ones he wears to serve your father." And that's exactly what she does. When Jacob enters, Isaac says, "The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau" (Genesis 27:22).
The text highlights Esau's reaction when he realizes he's been tricked. He cries out, "Come and see what this simple man did to me!" (Genesis 27:36). The text emphasizes that Esau was meticulous in honoring his parents.
Finally, Rabbi Yudan adds a fascinating detail. When the Israelites were about to wage war against Edom, the descendants of Esau, God showed Moses the mountain where the patriarchs were buried. God tells Moses to tell the Israelites: "You cannot confront him. Even now, the reward for honoring those buried on this mountain is owed him." The implication is that even Esau's descendants benefit from the merit of honoring one's parents.
So, what can we take away from these stories? Honoring parents isn't just about grand gestures. It’s about the little things: patience, respect, and putting their needs before our own, even when it's difficult. It's about recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of our parents, regardless of their quirks or imperfections. And it's a mitzvah with rewards that ripple through generations. It makes you think, doesn’t it? What small act of honor can we offer our parents today?