Turns out, the book of Ecclesiastes, or Kohelet, might just have the answer. Kohelet 9:9 says, "Enjoy life with a woman whom you love all the days of your life of vanity which He has given you under the sun… as that is your portion in life." But what does that really mean?
The sages of the Midrash (rabbinic interpretive commentary), in Kohelet Rabbah 9, delve into this verse, and their interpretation might surprise you. Rabbi [Yehuda HaNasi] said, in the name of the holy congregation, that we should "acquire for yourself a craft with Torah." What does that mean? The Midrash cleverly interprets "life" as Torah and "woman" as a craft or trade. The idea is that to truly enjoy life, you need both spiritual nourishment (Torah) and a means to support yourself (a craft). It’s a fascinating way of reading the verse, isn't it?
Now, why call them the "holy congregation"? Well, some say it's because of Rabbi Yosei ben Meshulam and Rabbi Shimon ben Menaseya. These guys were seriously committed – they divided their day into thirds: Torah, prayer, and labor. Talk about balance! Others say they dedicated the winter to Torah and the summer to labor. Rabbi Yitzḥak ben Elazar even applied the title of "holy congregation" to Rabbi Yehoshua son of Rabbi Timi and Rabbi Burki, who also followed this balanced approach. It seems that finding harmony between the spiritual and the practical was a highly valued ideal.
The text then veers into some interesting, seemingly unrelated, laws around marriage and mourning. For example, it's taught that a mourner shouldn't marry until thirty days have passed. Rabbi Yehuda even extends that to three pilgrimage festivals, connecting it to the three times the word "life" appears in a related verse. However, there are exceptions, particularly if the mourner has young children or needs to fulfill the mitzvah, the commandment, of procreation. There's even a story about Rabbi Tarfon, whose wife passed away. Before the grave was even covered, he asked her sister to marry him and raise his children. Even though he remarried quickly, he still waited thirty days before engaging in conjugal relations.
And speaking of family, the Midrash outlines the mitzvot (commandments) incumbent upon a father regarding his son: circumcision, redemption of the firstborn, teaching Torah, teaching a trade, and finding him a wife. Some even add teaching him to swim! The proof-texts provided for each of these are derived from verses throughout the Tanakh, or Hebrew Bible.
But perhaps the most powerful part of this passage is its exploration of what it means to be without a wife. According to the text, a man without a wife is without goodness, help, joy, blessing, and even atonement! Each of these lacks is supported by biblical verses. Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi goes even further, adding that he is without life and peace. Rabbi Ḥiyya bar Gamda declares that such a man is not even a complete person, referencing (Genesis 5:2), where God calls them "Adam" only when they are together. Some even say that being unmarried diminishes the Divine Image, as humans are created in God's image (Genesis 9:6).
So, what's the takeaway? Is it simply about finding a partner? Perhaps. But it feels like there's something deeper here. The Midrash seems to be suggesting that a complete and fulfilling life requires balance: a balance between the spiritual and the practical, between personal growth and connection with others. It’s about finding that “craft” to sustain you, while also nurturing your soul with Torah – with wisdom, learning, and connection to something larger than yourself. And maybe, just maybe, finding that connection with another person is a key piece of that puzzle. A partner to share the journey, to help us become more complete versions of ourselves. Food for thought, isn't it?
“Enjoy life with a woman whom you love all the days of your life of vanity which He has given you under the sun, all the days of your vanity, as that is your portion in life, and in your toil that you toil under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). “Enjoy life with a woman whom you love.” Rabbi [Yehuda HaNasi] said in the name of the holy congregation: Acquire for yourself a craft with Torah. What is the reason? “Enjoy life [with a woman]…”27The midrash is interpreting the world “life” to refer to Torah, and the term “woman” to refer to a craft. One should have a craft with which to earn a livelihood, in addition to studying Torah. Why does he call them the holy congregation? It is because Rabbi Yosei ben Meshulam and Rabbi Shimon ben Menaseya, who would divide the day into three, one-third for Torah, one-third for prayer, and one-third for labor, were there. Some say: They would engage in Torah study during the days of winter, and in labor during the days of summer. Rabbi Yitzḥak ben Elazar would call Rabbi Yehoshua son of Rabbi Timi and Rabbi Burki the holy congregation, because they would divide the day into three, one-third for Torah, one-third for prayer, and one-third for labor. It is taught: It is prohibited for a mourner to marry a woman until thirty days [pass]. Rabbi Yehuda says: Until three consecutive pilgrimage festivals pass, corresponding to the three times that it is written: Life, life, life. In what case is this said? In a case when he has sons; however, if he has no sons, or if he has minor sons, it is permitted due to diminution of procreation and to see to their needs.28The mourner can marry a woman even within thirty days in order to fulfill the mitzva of procreation, or so that his new wife can take care of his young children. There was an incident and the wife of Rabbi Tarfon died, and when the grave was covered, he said to her sister amidst the mourning: ‘Enter my house29Marry me. and raise your sister’s children.’ Even though he married her, he did not engage in conjugal relations until after thirty days. It is taught: It is prohibited for a mourner to go to a house of feasting until thirty days [have passed]. It was taught: The mitzvot incumbent upon a father regarding his son are to circumcise him and to redeem him, and also to teach him Torah, to teach him a trade, and to marry him to a woman. Some say: Also to teach him to swim in a river. To circumcise him, from where [is it derived]? As it is stated: “He that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every male” (Genesis 17:12). To redeem him, from where [is it derived]? As it is stated: “And all the first-born of man among your sons you shall redeem” (Exodus 13:13). To teach him Torah, from where [is it derived]? As it is stated: “You shall teach them” (Deuteronomy 11:19). To marry a woman, from where [is it derived]? As it is stated: “Take women and beget sons and daughters and take women for your sons” (Jeremiah 29:6). To teach him to swim in a river, from where [is it derived]? As it is stated: “You shall choose life” (Deuteronomy 30:19). Anyone who does not have a wife is without goodness, without a helper, without joy, without blessing, without atonement. Without good, from where [is it derived]? [From the verse:] “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Without help, from where [is it derived]? [From the verse:] “I will make him a helper alongside him” (Genesis 2:18). Without joy, from where [is it derived]? [From the verse:] “You shall rejoice, you and your household” (Deuteronomy 14:26). Without blessing, from where [is it derived]? [From the verse:] “To place a blessing upon your house” (Ezekiel 44:30). Without atonement, from where [is it derived]? [From the verse:] “And he shall atone for himself and for his household” (Leviticus 16:11). Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi says: Without life as well, as it is stated: “Enjoy life with a woman whom you love.” Without peace, as it is stated: “You are peace and your house is peace” (I Samuel 25:6). Rabbi Ḥiyya bar Gamda said: He is not even a complete person, as it is stated: “He blessed them and He called their name Adam”30The word adam, which is the name of the first man, simply means “person.” (Genesis 5:2) – when the two of them are not as one they are not called Adam. Some say it diminishes the Divine Image, as it is stated: “Because He created man in the image of God” (Genesis 9:6).
