Jewish tradition has a lot to say on the subject, and some of the stories might surprise you.
Our jumping-off point is the verse in (Deuteronomy 2:3), "You have circled this mountain enough; turn yourselves to the north.” But how does this relate to honoring parents? Well, in halakha, or Jewish law, this verse is used to illustrate the incredible reward for honoring one's father and mother. This mitzvah, this good deed, is one of those rare things that brings benefits in this world and ensures a place in the World to Come.
The text from Devarim Rabbah dives right in. It asks: what does honoring parents really entail? To answer, it brings us the story of Dama ben Netina, a non-Jew living in Ashkelon. Rabbi Abbahu tells us that the students of Rabbi Eliezer HaGadol used Dama as an example.
Dama's mother was, shall we say, eccentric. The text delicately puts it as "mentally disturbed." She would sometimes slap him, even in public! And his response? A gentle, "That is enough, mother." Can you imagine that kind of restraint?
But the story doesn't end there. On another occasion, some sages needed to purchase a precious gem, crucial for the priestly vestments used in the Temple. Dama had it, and they offered him a thousand gold pieces – a king's ransom! But Dama found his father asleep, with his leg resting on the chest containing the gem. He wouldn’t dare disturb his father's rest, even for such a huge sum. He let the sages leave empty-handed.
Thinking he was just trying to squeeze more money out of them, they upped the offer to ten thousand gold pieces! When his father finally woke up, Dama retrieved the gem. He refused to accept the inflated price, sticking to the original agreement of one thousand. He didn’t want to profit from the mitzvah of honoring his parents.
So, what was his reward? Our Rabbis tell us that during that very year, his cow gave birth to a red heifer, a rarity with immense ritual significance. He sold it for more than ten thousand gold pieces! A clear sign that the Holy One, blessed be He, repays those who honor their parents.
Now, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel chimes in with a fascinating comparison. He admits that despite his best efforts, Esau, yes, that Esau, actually honored his father Isaac more than he did.
He explains that he would serve his father wearing work clothes, and only change into finer garments when going to the marketplace. Esau, however, always wore his best clothes when attending to his father. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel realized that Esau's approach showed greater respect. As the Maharzu commentary says, Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel served his father in soiled garments in order to indicate his willingness to act even as a servant in serving his father. But Esau would put on his finest clothes, as though he were going to meet a government officer.
This leads to a deeper dive into the story of Jacob and Esau. Remember when Rebecca helps Jacob deceive Isaac to get the blessing? Jacob is worried. "Mother," he says, "Esau is hairy, and I am smooth! What if my father feels me? I’ll be cursed, not blessed!" (Genesis 27:11-12).
Rebecca's solution? "I’ll dress you in Esau's best clothes, the ones he wears to serve your father." And that's exactly what she does. When Jacob enters, Isaac says, "The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau" (Genesis 27:22).
The text highlights Esau's reaction when he realizes he's been tricked. He cries out, "Come and see what this simple man did to me!" (Genesis 27:36). The text emphasizes that Esau was meticulous in honoring his parents.
Finally, Rabbi Yudan adds a fascinating detail. When the Israelites were about to wage war against Edom, the descendants of Esau, God showed Moses the mountain where the patriarchs were buried. God tells Moses to tell the Israelites: "You cannot confront him. Even now, the reward for honoring those buried on this mountain is owed him." The implication is that even Esau's descendants benefit from the merit of honoring one's parents.
So, what can we take away from these stories? Honoring parents isn't just about grand gestures. It’s about the little things: patience, respect, and putting their needs before our own, even when it's difficult. It's about recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of our parents, regardless of their quirks or imperfections. And it's a mitzvah with rewards that ripple through generations. It makes you think, doesn’t it? What small act of honor can we offer our parents today?
“You have circled this mountain enough; turn yourselves to the north” (Deuteronomy 2:3). “You have circled this mountain enough” – halakha: If a person of Israel is scrupulous in honoring his father and mother, what is his reward? This is what our Rabbis taught: These are the matters whose profits a person enjoys in this world, while the principal remains for him for the World to Come. They are: Honoring one’s father and mother…. Rabbi Abbahu said: The students of Rabbi Eliezer HaGadol asked him: ‘What is [true] honoring of one’s father and mother?’ He said to them: ‘Go out and see what Dama ben Netina did in Ashkelon.’ His mother was mentally disturbed and she would slap him [when he was] with his counterparts, but all he would say to her was: ‘That is enough, mother.’ Our Rabbis said: One time, the Sages came to him to purchase from him a gem that had been lost from the priestly vestments. He resided in Ashkelon and they settled with him for one thousand gold pieces. He entered and found his father’s leg extended on the chest in which the gem was found, and he was asleep. He did not seek to disturb him, and he went out empty-handed. When he did not take it out, they were under the impression that he was asking them for more, and they raised the price [they were offering] to ten thousand gold pieces. When his father awakened from his sleep, he entered and took it out to them. They sought to give him ten thousand gold pieces. He said: ‘God forbid. I will not benefit from the reward for honoring my parents. Rather, the money that I settled with you, one thousand gold pieces, that is what I will take from you.’ What reward did the Holy One blessed be He give him? Our Rabbis said: During that year, his cow gave birth to a red heifer, and he sold it for more than ten thousand gold pieces. See how great honoring of one’s father and mother is. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: No person respected his parents like I did my parents, and I found that Esau honored his father more than I did. How so? Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel said: I would serve my father with soiled garments, but when I would go to the marketplace, I could cast off those garments and don fine garments, and go out in them. But Esau did not do so; rather, the garments that he would wear to serve his father were finer.39Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel served his father in soiled garments in order to indicate his willingness to act even as a servant in serving his father. But Esau would put on his finest clothes, as though he were going to meet a government officer. Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel reconsidered and decided that Esau’s method afforded greater honor to his parents (Maharzu). Know that it is so, for when [Esau] went out to hunt and bring [food] to his father, so he would bless him, what did Rebecca, who loved her son Jacob, do? She gave him delicacies, and said to him: ‘Go to your father and take the blessings before your brother takes them.’ At that moment, Jacob said to her: ‘Mother, do you not know that my brother Esau “is a hairy man, and I am a smooth-skinned man”? (Genesis 27:11). Let my father not sense that I am not Esau, or I will be shamed before him.’ From where is this derived? As it is stated: “Perhaps my father will feel me, [and I will be in his eyes as a deceiver, and I will bring upon myself a curse and not a blessing]” (Genesis 27:12). She said to him: ‘My son, your father’s eyes are dim and I will dress you in the fine garments that your brother wears when he serves your father. When you come to him, he will hold your hand, and will think that you are Esau, and bless you.’ From where is this derived? As it is stated: “Rebecca took the fine garments of Esau…” (Genesis 27:15) with which he was accustomed to serve his father, as it is stated: “She dressed Jacob” (Genesis 27:15). That is why, when Jacob entered to him, what did Isaac say to him? “The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau” (Genesis 27:22). [Isaac] blessed him and [Jacob] went out, and Esau came and went in to his father. [Isaac] said to him: ‘Who are you, who is speaking to me with a big heart ?’ He said to him: “I am your son, your firstborn, Esau” (Genesis 27:32). When he heard his voice, he knew that he was Esau. He said to him: “Your brother came with deceit, and he took your blessing” (Genesis 27:35). At that moment, Esau began screaming and saying: ‘Come and see what this simple man did to me, in whose regard it is written: “Jacob was a simple man, a dweller in tents” (Genesis 25:27). Is it not enough that he mocked me for selling him my birthright, “and, behold, now he has taken my blessing”?’ (Genesis 27:36). You learn that Esau was scrupulous in honoring his parents. Rabbi Yudan said: When Israel came to wage war against him,40The Israelites intended to wage war against Edom, the descendants of Esau, as they travelled from the wilderness into the Land of Israel. the Holy One blessed be He showed Moses the mountain in which the patriarchs were buried. He said to him: ‘Say to Israel: You cannot confront him. Even now, the reward for honoring those buried on this mountain is owed him.’ From where is it derived? It is from what we read regarding the matter: “You have circled this mountain enough.”41The following verses record God’s instruction to Israel not to militarily confront Edom (see Deuteronomy 2:4–5).
