The sages of the Talmud grappled with this very emotion, particularly in the context of marriage and fidelity. And surprisingly, the Torah has a lot to say about it. to an intriguing passage from Bamidbar Rabbah, specifically section 9, where we explore the complexities of jealousy, adultery, and their profound consequences.
The text opens with a powerful statement: "A spirit of jealousy overcame him." This is linked to the verse in Ecclesiastes (7:26), "I find bitterer than death [the woman]." Why "bitterer than death?" Because, according to this interpretation, she causes suffering in this world, leading the straying man to Gehenna (hell). Ouch. Proverbs (2:18, 5:5) paints a similar picture, describing how her house "sinks down toward death" and her steps lead "to the grave." It's a pretty stark warning. Now, here's where it gets really interesting. Rav Huna, father of Rabbi Aḥa, taught that an adulterer and adulteress violate all Ten Commandments. His students were understandably puzzled, especially regarding the Sabbath. How could adultery possibly violate the commandment to "Remember the Sabbath day"? The explanation offered is both ingenious and a bit . Violating “I am [the Lord your God]” (Exodus 20:2) occurs because adultery is a denial of God, as Jeremiah (5:8–10) suggests. Regarding “you shall not have [other gods]” (Exodus 20:3), the sotah (suspected adulteress) arouses jealousy in both her husband and God. As we find in the Torah, “A spirit of jealousy [kina] overcame him…” (Numbers 5:14). The text emphasizes this with the phrase "twice it is stated regarding the sota." The term kina, meaning jealousy, is crucial here. Likewise, (Numbers 5:15) speaks of a "meal offering of jealousies [kenaot]," highlighting the intensity of the emotion involved.
How about "You shall not take [the name of the Lord your God in vain]" (Exodus 20:7)? Simple: the adulterer swears falsely that he didn't commit the act. "Honor your father" (Exodus 20:12) is violated because the child born of adultery is raised believing someone else is his father. The poor kid grows up honoring the wrong man!
And it goes on: "You shall not murder" (Exodus 20:13) because the adulterer risks his life and the life of the other woman's husband. "You shall not steal" (Exodus 20:13) because, as Proverbs (9:17) delicately puts it, "Stolen waters are sweet," referring to the stolen intimacy and, according to the rabbis, stealing the "source," a euphemism for the womb. The other commandments fall in similar ways. He who commits adultery with the wife of another covets everything that belongs to her husband, including his family inheritance.
But what about the Sabbath? Rav Huna finally reveals the connection: if a priest's wife commits adultery with an Israelite, the child might mistakenly be considered a priest and end up performing Temple sacrifices on Shabbat (the Sabbath), thus desecrating the holy day. Mind. Blown. So, according to this interpretation, every commandment is potentially violated through the act of adultery.
The passage then turns back to Ecclesiastes (7:26): "I find bitterer than death the woman, whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are chains. One who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.” The commentary emphasizes the woman's power to ensnare, both in this world and the next. She is compared to a net that catches both in water and on dry land, suggesting her inescapable allure.
Rabbi Meir offers a fascinating analogy about different attitudes toward a fly in a cup. Some people would simply remove the fly and drink, representing those who tolerate minor imperfections in their spouses. Others would pour out the whole cup, symbolizing those who are quick to divorce. Then there's Yehuda ben Papus, who locked his wife inside, representing extreme possessiveness. And finally, there's the wicked one who tolerates blatant infidelity, likened to someone who would suck a dead fly out of their cup and still drink. Yuck!
The text concludes with a discussion of jealousy itself. The school of Rabbi Yishmael taught that a man warns his wife only if a "spirit of purity" enters him. This is contrasted with the idea that it could be a "spirit of impurity," which is rejected because no one is obligated to introduce impurity into themselves. Rabbi Akiva, however, argues that warning one's wife is mandatory.
Ultimately, this passage from Bamidbar Rabbah offers a complex and nuanced view of jealousy, adultery, and their ramifications. It's a reminder of the importance of fidelity, the potential consequences of straying, and the power of jealousy to consume individuals and relationships. But it also invites us to reflect on our own attitudes toward these issues, to consider the different ways we might respond to perceived transgressions, and to strive for a balance between vigilance and trust. What do you think? Where do you fall on the spectrum of the fly in the cup?
“A spirit of jealousy overcame him” – that is what is written: “I find bitterer than death [the woman]” (Ecclesiastes 7:26). How is she “bitterer than death”? It is because she causes him suffering in this world. Why? It is because he strays after her, and ultimately she causes him to descend into Gehenna, as it is stated: “For her house sinks down toward death” (Proverbs 2:18), “to the grave her steps are directed” (Proverbs 5:5). His students asked Rav Huna, father of Rabbi Aḥa: You have taught us, our teacher: The adulterer and the adulteress violate the Ten Commandments. Regarding nine of them we understand, but regarding Shabbat, we do not understand. How so? Regarding, “I am [the Lord your God]” (Exodus 20:2), it is because anyone who commits adultery with the wife of another denies the Holy One blessed be He, as it is stated: “Each would neigh to his neighbor’s wife. Will I not reckon for these, the utterance of the Lord, and will My soul not be avenged on a nation like this? Enter within its walls and destroy, but do not engender annihilation; remove its offshoots, as they are not for the Lord” (Jeremiah 5:8–10). Regarding “you shall not have [other gods]” (Exodus 20:3), as it is written in that regard: “For I am the Lord your God, a zealous [kana] God” (Exodus 20:5), and twice it is stated regarding the sota: “A spirit of jealousy [kina] overcame him…” Why twice? It is because she arouses kina in both her husband and the Holy One blessed be He.35Kina in the sense of jealousy in her husband and in the sense of zealotry in the Holy One blessed be He. Likewise, it says: “For it is a meal offering of jealousy [kenaot]” (Numbers 5:15), as they are two kenaot.36Kenaot is the plural form of kina. Regarding, “You shall not take [the name of the Lord your God in vain]” (Exodus 20:7), as he commits adultery and takes an oath that he did not do so. Regarding, “honor your father” (Exodus 20:12), as one who commits adultery with the sota, she becomes pregnant from him but she tells her husband: It is from you that I am pregnant. The fetus grows and honors her husband in the belief that he is his father, but he is not his father, and he passes in the marketplace and curses the adulterer in the belief that he is not his father, but he is his father. Regarding, “you shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13), as the adulterer enters with the intent to kill or be killed. Regarding, “you shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:13), the matter is explicit, as he commits adultery. Regarding, “you shall not steal” (Exodus 20:13), as he steals the source37A euphemism for the womb. of another. Likewise it says: “Stolen waters are sweet” (Proverbs 9:17).38The previous verses refer to a “woman of folly” (Proverbs 9:13). Regarding, “you shall not bear [false witness]” (Exodus 20:13), as she bears false witness and says: It is from you that I am pregnant. Regarding, “you shall not covet” (Exodus 20:14), as one who commits adultery with the wife of another covets everything that belongs to her husband. How so? When her husband passes from the world, he believes that the son is his. He writes a will for all of his belongings and bequeaths everything that he has, but he does not know that he is not his son. The result is that the adulterer covets everything that his counterpart has and covets his wife. They said to Rav Huna: ‘We have stated nine. Tell us how he violates: “Remember the Sabbath day” (Exodus 20:8).’ He said to them: ‘I will tell you. There are times when a priest has a wife, and an Israelite adulterer consorts with her, and she bears a child. They believe in his regard that he is the son of a priest, and that son stands and serves in the Temple and offers burnt offerings on Shabbat. The result is that he profanes Shabbat. Consequently, the adulterer and the adulteress violated the Ten Commandments.’ In her regard, Solomon said: “I find bitterer than death the woman, who, in her heart, is snares and nets, her hands, shackles. One who is good before God will escape from her, but the sinner will be entrapped by her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26). Woe to a transgression through which one violates the Ten Commandments. “The woman, who…is snares” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – she ensnares in this world and ensnares in the World to Come. “And nets” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – this net ensnares in the water but does not ensnare on dry land, but a woman ensnares in water and ensnares on dry land. “Her heart” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – she propositions in her heart. “Her hands, shackles” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – if her hands were not shackled, as she does not proposition with her mouth, she would not leave alone any man whom she would not proposition.39A woman normally would not explicitly request to have sexual relations, therefore she is "shackled" in her ability to entrap. “One who is good before God will escape from her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – it is taught in the name of Rabbi Meir: Just as there are different attitudes regarding food and drink, so, there are different attitudes among people. There is a person that a fly descends into his cup and he casts it out and drinks it. This is the case regarding most people, as one sees his wife speaking with her neighbors or with her relatives, and he allows her to do so. You have a person that a fly flies around the top of his cup and he takes it, pours it out, and does not drink it. This is a bad quality in people, as he would set his sights on her to divorce her.40If he sees her talking to neighbors and relatives. You have a person that a fly settled atop his cup, and he takes it and leaves it as it was. This is Yehuda ben Papus who would lock the door before his wife.41He would do so when he would leave the house so she would not go out and socialize. Any socializing by his wife was unacceptable to him, just like the person who would be so disturbed if a fly only touched his cup that he would not drink the wine inside. They said to him: Would your forebears act in that manner? You have a person that a dead fly fell into his cup, and he takes it, sucks it, and drinks it. This is the wicked one, who sees that his wife is familiar with her servants, goes out to the marketplace with her head exposed, her garments slit on both her sides, and she bathes in a place where men bathe. It is a mitzva by Torah law to divorce her, as it is stated: “Because he found in her a licentious matter, and he writes her a bill of divorce, and he places it in her hand, and he sends her from his house” (Deuteronomy 24:1). What is, “and she went, and was to another man” (Deuteronomy 24:2)? The verse characterizes him as “another,” as he is not a peer of the first man, as that one divorced his wife because of licentiousness, and this one stumbled due to her. If he merits it from Heaven, he will divorce her. If not, ultimately she will bury him, as it is stated: “Or if the latter man, who took her as his wife, died” (Deuteronomy 24:3). This one was worthy of death, because he brought this woman into his house.42Gittin 90a–b. Regarding the first one, who divorced her, Solomon said: “One who is good before God will escape from her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26). Regarding the second one, who took her into his house, the verse said: “But the sinner will be entrapped by her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26). Another matter: “One who is good before God will escape from her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – this is that the Holy One blessed be He causes a spirit of jealousy to overcome him, and he warns his wife when he sees that she is wanton. “But the sinner will be entrapped by her” (Ecclesiastes 7:26) – this is one who sees his wife noisy,43While he engages in relations with her. her leg lifted high, and laughing ostentatiously, but he does not warn her. This is because it is the way of Jewish women that they are not noisy, do not lift the leg high, and do not laugh ostentatiously. That is why it is stated: “And a spirit of jealousy overcame him.” The school of Rabbi Yishmael taught: A man warns his wife only if a spirit of purity enters him, as it is stated: “And a spirit of jealousy overcame him.” This is given to dispute, as it is taught: “And he warned his wife” – it is optional; this is the statement of Rabbi Yishmael. Rabbi Akiva said: It is mandatory. We learn that it is a spirit of purity, as if you say it is a spirit of impurity, does a person have an option or an obligation to introduce a spirit of impurity into himself? It is taught: Rabbi Eliezer ben Yaakov says, regarding what the Torah said: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart” (Leviticus 19:17), does it perhaps apply to this one? The verse states: “And a spirit of jealousy overcame him.”44It is a spirit of purity that causes him to warn her, and therefore this does not violate the prohibition against hating in one’s heart. “And a spirit of jealousy overcame him” – how does it overcome him? It is just as it says: “As a bird of the heavens will carry the voice, and a winged creature will tell a matter” (Ecclesiastes 10:20). Rabbi Meir would say: A man commits a transgression in private, and the Holy One blessed be He proclaims in his regard in public, as it is stated: “And a spirit of jealousy overcame [ve’avar] him.” Avera is nothing other than an expression of proclamation, as it is stated: “Moses commanded and they proclaimed [vayaaviru] an announcement in the camp…” (Exodus 36:6). “And he warned [vekineh] his wife” – Rabbi Naḥman ben Yitzḥak said: Kinui is nothing other than an expression of warning. Likewise it says: “The Lord was zealous [vaykaneh] for His land and had compassion on His people” (Joel 2:18).45He warned the locusts to stop infesting the land. “And she was defiled, or a spirit of jealousy overcame him, and he warned his wife, and she was not defiled” – Rabbi [Yehuda HaNasi] taught: Three defilements are stated in the portion:46See Rashi on Sota 28a, where he writes that Rabbi is referring to verses 13, 27, and 29. one for the paramour,47Even if the husband divorces her, she may not marry the man with whom she sinned. one for the husband, and one for teruma. Do we find a woman who is forbidden to her home48Her husband. but it is permitted for her to partake of teruma?49Why, then, was it necessary for the verse to state that it is prohibited for her to partake of teruma? Indeed, you say: One for the husband, one for the paramour, and one for her husband’s brother. Rabbi Yosei ben Rabbi Bon said: Our mishna says so: If he dies, she performs ḥalitza and is not married in a levirate marriage.50Mishna Sota 1:2.
