"These are the names of the children of Israel who came to Egypt with Jacob; each came with his household" – that’s how the Book of Exodus begins. But what does that have to do with tough love?
It might seem strange, but the ancient rabbis saw a connection between this verse and the proverb: "He who spares his rod hates his son, and he who loves him seeks for him admonition" (Proverbs 13:24). How can withholding discipline actually be an act of hatred? Imagine someone telling you, "Hey, someone hit your kid!" Your immediate reaction might be anger. You'd want to defend your child. But the proverb suggests something deeper: that true love sometimes means delivering the hard truths, the necessary corrections, even when it's uncomfortable.
The Shemot Rabbah, a classic collection of rabbinic interpretations on the Book of Exodus, dives right into this. It argues that a parent who avoids rebuking their child risks that child going down a destructive path. And in the end, that lack of guidance can actually breed resentment.
Think about Ishmael, Abraham’s son. According to this midrash, Abraham loved Ishmael deeply but didn't always correct him. The Shemot Rabbah tells us that when Ishmael was fifteen, he started bringing idols home from the marketplace, playing with them, even worshipping them – pretending to mock them, but secretly engaging in idol worship. As Ginzberg retells it in Legends of the Jews, this wasn't just harmless fun. Sarah saw this and recognized it as a dangerous path, a path that could lead her son, Isaac, astray.
Sarah demanded that Abraham send Ishmael and his mother, Hagar, away. Abraham was deeply troubled. But God told him, "Listen to Sarah." From this, the text infers that Abraham was even subordinate to Sarah in prophecy!
Abraham sent them away with bread and water. Was this cruel? The Shemot Rabbah suggests that once Ishmael chose that "path of depravity," Abraham felt he had no other choice. Ishmael, the story continues, became a robber. As Genesis says, "He will be a wild man" (Genesis 16:12).
We see a similar pattern with Isaac and Esau. "Isaac loved Esau" (Genesis 25:28), perhaps to a fault. Because Isaac didn't chasten him, Esau committed terrible sins: violating a betrothed woman, murder, denying the resurrection of the dead and God himself, and despising his birthright. He even plotted to kill his brother, Jacob! So Esau went to Ishmael to learn his ways and to marry one of his daughters.
And what about David and Avshalom? David's failure to discipline Avshalom led to rebellion, betrayal, and immense suffering. Avshalom slept with his father's concubines, drove David from his home, and caused a civil war. David even lamented, "Lord, how numerous are my tormentors" (Psalms 3:2). The Shemot Rabbah equates a wayward child with the chaos of Gog and Magog.
The story continues with David's son, Adonijahu, who also went astray because his father never corrected him.
So, what’s the point of all these cautionary tales? It seems harsh, doesn't it? But the text isn't advocating for harshness for its own sake. It’s pointing to the idea that true love requires guidance, even when it's difficult.
But here's a twist: this idea of tough love extends beyond the parent-child relationship. The Shemot Rabbah goes on to say that God, in fact, uses suffering to show his love for Israel! "I have loved you, said the Lord" (Malachi 1:2), and that love manifests in guiding us through hardship.
The text identifies three gifts that God gave to Israel through suffering: the Torah, the Land of Israel, and the World to Come. The Torah: "Happy is the man whom You afflict, Lord, whom You teach from Your Torah" (Psalms 94:12). The Land of Israel: "For you know in your heart that as a man rebukes his son, so the Lord your God rebukes you... For the Lord your God will bring you to a good land" (Deuteronomy 8:5, 7). And the World to Come: "For the mitzva [commandment] is a lamp, the Torah is light, and the reproofs of instruction are the way of life" (Proverbs 6:23).
When a parent disciplines their child, the child actually grows to love and respect them more. "Admonish your son, and he will give you rest and provide delights to your soul" (Proverbs 29:17). Abraham, the text reminds us, disciplined Isaac, teaching him Torah and guiding him. Isaac, in turn, followed in his father's footsteps. And Isaac did the same with Jacob, teaching him in the study hall. Jacob, by teaching his sons, ensured that all of them were righteous, which is why the verse says, “These are the names of the children of Israel who came to Egypt with Jacob...the verse likened them all to Jacob, as they were all righteous like he was."
So, next time you encounter that opening verse of Exodus, remember it's not just a list of names. It’s a reminder that love, true love, sometimes means offering guidance, even when it's hard. It’s about shaping a future, even if it means facing discomfort in the present. It's a challenging thought, isn't it? How do we balance love and discipline in our own lives?
“These are the names of the children of Israel who came to Egypt with Jacob; each came with his household” (Exodus 1:1). That is what is written: “He who spares his rod hates his son, and he who loves him seeks for him admonition” (Proverbs 13:24). The way of the world is that a person whom another tells him: ‘So-and-so struck your son,’ he would harass him. What is the meaning when the verse states: “He who spares his rod hates his son”? It is to teach you that anyone who withholds rebuke from his son, his son will ultimately set out on a path of depravity and he will hate him. As we find regarding Ishmael, who was beloved1Literally, he had longings for his father, which could explain his father’s love for him. by his father Abraham, who did not chasten him, and he set out on a path of depravity. He then hated him and expelled him from his home emptyhanded. What did Ishmael do? When he was fifteen years old, he began to bring an idol from the marketplace, and he played with it and worshipped it in the manner that he saw others doing.2Although he made it look like he was just playing with it and even mocking it, in fact his intention was to worship it. Immediately, “Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she bore to Abraham, playing [metzaḥek]” (Genesis 21:9), and metzaḥek means nothing other than idol worship, like you say: “They rose to carouse [letzaḥek]” (Exodus 32:6). 3This verse is written in the context of the sin of the Golden Calf. Immediately, “She said to Abraham: Expel this maidservant and her son” (Genesis 21:10), so that my son will not learn his ways. Immediately, “the matter was very troubling in the eyes of Abraham regarding his son” (Genesis 21:11), because he emerged to a path of depravity. “God said to Abraham: Let it not be troubling in your eyes about the lad…everything that Sarah says to you, heed her voice” (Genesis 21:12). From here you learn that Abraham was subordinate to Sarah in prophecy. Immediately, “Abraham rose early in the morning, and took bread and a skin of water…” (Genesis 21:14), teaching you that he hated Ishmael because he set out on a path of depravity, and sent him and his mother Hagar emptyhanded, and for that reason expelled him from his home. Is it conceivable that Abraham, in whose regard it is written: “Abram was very wealthy in livestock, in silver, and in gold” (Genesis 13:2), would send his wife and his son from his house emptyhanded, without garments and without sustenance? Rather, it is to teach you that once he [Ishmael] set out on the path of depravity, he [Abraham] paid no attention to him.4Consequently the verse states that he gave them bread and water, implying that he did not give them other means of support. What ultimately became of him? When he banished him, he sat at the crossroads and would rob people, as it is stated: “He will be a wild man” (Genesis 16:12). Similarly, “Isaac loved Esau” (Genesis 25:28); therefore he set out on a path of depravity, because he did not chasten him, as we learned: The wicked Esau violated five transgressions on that day. He consorted with a betrothed young woman, killed a person, denied the revival of the dead, denied the principle [of belief in God], and scorned the birthright. In addition, he desired the death of his father and sought to kill his brother, as it is stated: “Let the days of mourning for my father approach and I will kill Jacob my brother” (Genesis 27:41), and he caused Jacob to flee from his fathers. And he [Esau] too went to Ishmael to learn from him the path of depravity and to add to his wives, as it is stated; “Esau went to Ishmael, [and took Maḥalat the daughter of Ishmael…in addition to his wives, as his wife]” (Genesis 28:9). Similarly, David did not chastise Avshalom and did not chasten him, [and Avshalom] set out on the path of depravity. He sought to kill his father, he lay with his [father’s] concubines, and forced him to walk barefoot, weeping; and thousands and tens of thousands from Israel fell. In addition, he caused him endless hardships, as it is written: “A psalm by David when he fled from Avshalom, etc.” (Psalms 3:1). What is written afterward? “Lord, how numerous are my tormentors, etc.” (Psalms 3:2). The path of depravity5A wayward child in a person’s household is worse than the war of Gog and Magog, as regarding Gog and Magog it is written: “Why do nations rage and peoples meditate in vain?” (Psalms 2:1), and there it is written: “Lord, how numerous are my tormentors.” David acted similarly with Adoniya, as he did not chasten him with chastisement and he did not scold him; therefore, he set out on the path of depravity, as it is written: “His father never distressed him, [saying: Why did you do so? …and she bore him after Avshalom]” (I Kings 1:6). But wasn’t Avshalom the son of Maakha, and Adoniyahu the son of Ḥaggit? What is: “And she bore him after Avshalom”? Rather, because [Avshalom] set out on the path of depravity because his father did not chasten him, and in Adoniyahu’s regard, it is written: “His father never distressed him,” he, too, set out on the path to depravity. Therefore, it is written: “And she bore him after Avshalom.” “And he who loves him seeks for him admonition” (Proverbs 13:24); this is the Holy One blessed be He. It is because he loves Israel, as it is written: “I have loved you, said the Lord” (Malachi 1:2) that he promotes them through suffering. You find three excellent gifts that the Holy One blessed be He gave to Israel, and he gave them all to them by means of suffering: The Torah, the Land of Israel, and life in the World to Come. The Torah, as it is written: “Happy is the man whom You afflict, Lord, whom You teach from Your Torah” (Psalms 94:12). The Land of Israel, as it is written: “For you know in your heart [that as a man rebukes his son, so the Lord your God rebukes you]” (Deuteronomy 8:5); what is written after it: “For the Lord your God will bring you [to a good land]” (Deuteronomy 8:7). The World to Come, as it is written: “For the mitzva is a lamp, the Torah is light, [and the reproofs of instruction are the way of life]”6This indicates that the way to merit everlasting life is through reproof, which involves suffering. (Proverbs 6:23). Anyone who chastises his son, the son adds love for his father and he honors him, as it is stated: “Admonish your son, and he will give you rest [and provide delights to your soul]” (Proverbs 29:17), and it is stated: “Admonish your son, as there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18). And he adds love for him, as it is stated: “And he who loves him seeks for him admonition” – because he sought for him admonition, therefore he loves him. You find that Abraham chastised his son Isaac, taught him Torah, and guided him in his path, as it is written in Abraham’s regard: “Because Abraham heeded My voice, [and kept My commission, My commandments, My statutes, and My laws]” (Genesis 26:5), and it is written: “And this is the legacy of Isaac, Abraham’s son: [Abraham begot Isaac]” (Genesis 25:19), to teach you that he was similar to his father in every sense; in beauty, wisdom, wealth, and good deeds. Know [that Isaac internalized Abraham’s lessons and accepted his authority], for he was thirty-seven years old when his father bound him, and it is written: “And Abraham was old, advanced in years” (Genesis 24:1), and he bound him and tied him, and [Isaac] did not prevent [him from doing so]. Therefore, “Abraham gave all that was his to Isaac” (Genesis 25:5); that is: “And he who loves him seeks for him admonition.” Similarly, Isaac would seek admonition for Jacob, as he taught him Torah and chastised him in his study hall, as it is stated: “Jacob was a simple man, [a dweller in tents]” (Genesis 25:27). He learned what his father taught him and then he took his leave from his father and secluded himself in the house of Ever to study Torah. Therefore, he merited blessing and inherited the land, as it is stated: “Jacob settled in the land of his father's residence, in the land of Canaan” (Genesis 37:1). Jacob our patriarch, too, chastised his sons, chastened them, and taught them his ways, until ultimately, there were none among them who was defective, as it is written: “These are the names of the children of Israel who came to Egypt [with Jacob]” (Exodus 1:1); the verse likened them all to Jacob, as they were all righteous like he was. That is: “And he who loves him seeks for him admonition.”
